WEBVTT 00:00.129 --> 00:01.990 Hello . Hello , good morning , 00:02.000 --> 00:05.480 everybody . It is great to be here 00:06.849 --> 00:09.016 before I came here . One of the things 00:09.016 --> 00:11.016 I did , I want to get to know about 00:11.016 --> 00:10.890 Dover Air Force Base and I read through 00:10.899 --> 00:13.779 some of the history and the more I read , 00:14.310 --> 00:16.532 I will really say this . It truly is an 00:16.532 --> 00:18.254 honor to be here . It's such a 00:18.254 --> 00:20.366 historical military facility as Dover 00:20.366 --> 00:22.477 Air Force Base . Reading through that 00:22.477 --> 00:25.010 history . It was very sobering and the 00:25.020 --> 00:27.569 amount of loss of American lives that 00:27.579 --> 00:30.819 have come through this place 20 years 00:30.829 --> 00:33.051 of combat . I'm sure that's how to be a 00:33.051 --> 00:36.729 lot . And being here also brings back 00:36.740 --> 00:38.573 some memories when I was an 82nd 00:38.573 --> 00:41.169 airborne , sitting on a green ramp down 00:41.180 --> 00:42.958 at Pope Air Force Base in North 00:42.958 --> 00:45.549 Carolina waiting to get on the C 147 S 00:45.560 --> 00:48.029 to throw myself out a plane at 1000 ft . 00:49.490 --> 00:51.268 But also being here brings back 00:51.268 --> 00:53.212 memories of preparing to leave for 00:53.212 --> 00:55.434 combat for the three operations . I was 00:55.434 --> 00:58.599 deployed on not knowing if I'd ever 00:58.669 --> 01:01.700 return again to see my family . And on 01:01.709 --> 01:03.979 my last deployment , I left a seven 01:03.990 --> 01:05.220 month pregnant wife . 01:09.589 --> 01:12.199 I know as the colonel mentioned of the 01:12.209 --> 01:14.431 recent tragedies in your unit with loss 01:14.431 --> 01:17.599 of life . I'm sure you're aware that 01:17.610 --> 01:19.499 what has happened in your unit is 01:19.499 --> 01:22.940 happening in every unit with veterans 01:22.949 --> 01:25.116 and in the first responder community , 01:25.569 --> 01:28.660 22 veterans are taking their life every 01:28.669 --> 01:31.069 day . But now it is believed that 01:31.080 --> 01:32.858 number could be twice that high 01:33.819 --> 01:35.763 suicides are also skyrocketing the 01:35.763 --> 01:37.819 first responder community as well as 01:37.830 --> 01:39.997 across the country and every community 01:40.620 --> 01:43.279 and Mighty Oaks . Our founder , Chad 01:43.599 --> 01:45.710 Robichaux says , and we believe as an 01:45.710 --> 01:47.821 organization , whatever the number of 01:47.821 --> 01:50.043 suicides in the veteran community , one 01:50.043 --> 01:53.550 is too high . Chad was a tier one force . 01:53.559 --> 01:55.610 Recon marine had eight tours in 01:55.620 --> 01:58.250 Afghanistan and after his eighth tour 01:58.470 --> 02:00.980 suffered from severe PTSD and was 02:00.989 --> 02:03.169 medically retired after leaving the 02:03.180 --> 02:05.639 military . He was very successful as a 02:05.650 --> 02:09.119 professional athlete number two in the 02:09.130 --> 02:12.630 world , but he also found himself in a 02:12.639 --> 02:16.080 closet with a gun in his mouth and his 02:16.089 --> 02:18.490 road to recovery was a catalyst for 02:18.500 --> 02:20.611 Mighty Oaks being formed . And in his 02:20.611 --> 02:23.580 words , he felt he had found a cure for 02:23.589 --> 02:25.960 cancer and he had to pay it forward to 02:25.970 --> 02:28.009 his other brothers and sisters and 02:28.020 --> 02:30.110 Mighty Oaks . We are committed to 02:30.119 --> 02:32.850 number one saving lives specifically 02:32.860 --> 02:35.440 the suicide epidemic . Number two , 02:35.449 --> 02:37.850 restoring families do that through our 02:37.860 --> 02:40.750 programs for men and women . And number 02:40.759 --> 02:44.080 three , changing legacies , we do this 02:44.089 --> 02:46.311 through resiliency events such as today 02:47.300 --> 02:49.411 in the programs and the programs . We 02:49.411 --> 02:51.578 have the week long programs is peer to 02:51.578 --> 02:53.356 peer taught . It's not clinical 02:54.470 --> 02:56.414 veterans , combat veterans , first 02:56.414 --> 02:58.960 responders that teach them and you'll 02:58.970 --> 03:00.970 be with people that you've walked a 03:00.970 --> 03:03.026 similar path with . We've had almost 03:03.026 --> 03:05.081 5000 students go through our program 03:06.800 --> 03:08.856 and the success and what you've seen 03:08.856 --> 03:10.744 there and what I've seen there is 03:10.744 --> 03:13.380 amazing . They've gone from dark 03:13.389 --> 03:15.250 isolated places to one of . 03:17.429 --> 03:19.429 But like most programs , it doesn't 03:19.429 --> 03:21.651 work for everybody . And usually that's 03:21.651 --> 03:23.940 because change is hard because it takes 03:23.949 --> 03:25.979 looking yourself in the mirror and 03:25.990 --> 03:29.410 being accountable for your actions . It 03:29.419 --> 03:31.586 is easy for us to blame our actions on 03:31.586 --> 03:34.429 life's hardships , the trauma we have 03:34.440 --> 03:37.509 endured wrong actions done against us , 03:37.520 --> 03:40.539 loss of life of loved ones , traumatic 03:40.550 --> 03:43.880 childhood and the list goes on and we 03:43.889 --> 03:46.550 cling to it to justify our bad actions . 03:47.009 --> 03:49.231 And although sometimes we are victims , 03:49.231 --> 03:51.342 we embrace it and accept it as that's 03:51.342 --> 03:55.250 who we are . I'm not here today 03:55.279 --> 03:57.335 to tickle your ears or just make you 03:57.335 --> 03:59.501 feel good about yourself . I'm here to 03:59.501 --> 04:01.612 challenge you to look at yourself and 04:01.612 --> 04:03.557 align yourself with the actions of 04:03.557 --> 04:05.501 truly who you want to be as men or 04:05.501 --> 04:08.089 women . One of the things we talk about 04:08.130 --> 04:11.440 at Mighty Oaks is healing over feelings , 04:12.250 --> 04:14.490 feelings are real . No one can tell you 04:14.500 --> 04:16.500 you don't feel the way you do , but 04:16.500 --> 04:19.269 they're not always true when I'm done . 04:19.279 --> 04:22.790 I hope is to give you a no matter where 04:22.799 --> 04:24.970 you are or how bad . You are suffering 04:24.980 --> 04:27.440 that there is hope . Hope is not just 04:27.450 --> 04:29.561 that you can get through it , but you 04:29.561 --> 04:31.728 can thrive when you come out the other 04:31.728 --> 04:34.380 side . So in the military , we talk 04:34.390 --> 04:36.557 about four pillars and I'm sure in the 04:36.557 --> 04:38.668 air force , it's similar . Those four 04:38.668 --> 04:41.250 pillars being one mental , two physical , 04:41.540 --> 04:44.500 three social and four spiritual . 04:45.790 --> 04:47.790 When I was in the army , those four 04:47.790 --> 04:49.846 pillars were solid mentally . In the 04:49.846 --> 04:51.957 second man , we trained , trained all 04:51.957 --> 04:54.179 the time . We were highly proficient in 04:54.179 --> 04:56.123 our jobs and we were also mentally 04:56.123 --> 04:58.234 prepared for combat . Physically . We 04:58.234 --> 05:00.290 were on the field . We were doing pt 05:00.290 --> 05:02.529 every single morning on lunch break , 05:02.540 --> 05:04.596 I'd go to the gym and work out after 05:04.596 --> 05:06.540 work . I was downtown Fayetteville 05:06.540 --> 05:09.239 doing martial arts socially outside of 05:09.250 --> 05:11.194 work . I wasn't in the bars on the 05:11.194 --> 05:13.306 weekend , I was putting myself around 05:13.306 --> 05:16.339 good men , solid men , like minded men , 05:16.359 --> 05:19.390 good mentors . And then most important 05:19.399 --> 05:21.455 for me , spiritual . I was in church 05:21.455 --> 05:24.739 reading my Bible in prayer . I took 05:24.750 --> 05:26.861 those four pillars in the combat with 05:26.861 --> 05:29.600 me tactically and mentally prepared . I 05:29.609 --> 05:32.119 was physically prepared socially . I 05:32.130 --> 05:34.074 spent my free time with those like 05:34.074 --> 05:35.908 minded individuals who are great 05:35.908 --> 05:37.797 soldiers and great men , but most 05:37.797 --> 05:40.730 importantly , spiritually . And that 05:40.739 --> 05:42.850 was tested on my second deployment to 05:42.850 --> 05:45.970 Panama . Our initial objective , we 05:45.980 --> 05:48.859 were being flown by C 47 S as we 05:48.869 --> 05:50.980 approach our objective , we were shot 05:50.980 --> 05:53.290 out with 50 K . The pilot taken in the 05:53.299 --> 05:55.760 face of maneuvers . We were going 05:55.769 --> 05:57.991 forward and backwards , thought we were 05:57.991 --> 05:59.991 going to fall . We were in a combat 05:59.991 --> 06:01.769 load , not sitting down . And I 06:01.769 --> 06:03.825 remember in that moment the fear the 06:03.825 --> 06:06.609 fear of , but then I saw the sergeant 06:07.670 --> 06:09.837 right next to me and I just will never 06:09.837 --> 06:12.003 forget the face . And it was like time 06:12.003 --> 06:14.114 froze and I saw the fear . He had the 06:14.114 --> 06:16.510 stricken fear . And I knew I didn't 06:16.519 --> 06:18.519 have that same fear because if that 06:18.519 --> 06:20.929 helicopter crashed and I died , I knew 06:20.940 --> 06:22.884 I was going to go and that gave me 06:22.884 --> 06:25.670 peace in that moment . And then finally 06:26.390 --> 06:29.649 on my last deployment to the Middle 06:29.660 --> 06:33.299 East , as I said , I left a seven month 06:33.410 --> 06:36.100 pregnant wife , my son was born . 06:37.790 --> 06:40.012 So coming to terms with the fact that I 06:40.012 --> 06:42.380 might not ever see him , it was only 06:42.390 --> 06:45.160 through my faith that I was able to 06:45.170 --> 06:47.920 maintain my focus on why I was there . 06:49.980 --> 06:52.450 That wasn't true for everybody . There 06:52.459 --> 06:54.769 were a lot of people that took their 06:54.779 --> 06:57.119 lives over in Desert Shield before 06:57.130 --> 07:00.209 Desert Storm happened . A lot of people 07:00.220 --> 07:03.049 broke one guy in my unit under similar 07:03.059 --> 07:05.299 circumstances as myself ended up with 07:05.309 --> 07:07.589 an M-16 in his mouth about to pull the 07:07.600 --> 07:10.440 trigger , thankful he didn't . But he 07:10.450 --> 07:14.079 was sent home through 07:14.089 --> 07:17.880 this and much more in the military . 07:18.369 --> 07:20.709 My faith grew and I was refined as a 07:20.720 --> 07:23.450 man I wanted to be . And that man was a 07:23.459 --> 07:27.369 Christian man and a family man . So 07:27.380 --> 07:29.602 after leaving the military and becoming 07:29.602 --> 07:31.658 a police officer , I took those four 07:31.658 --> 07:33.769 pillars that had been strengthened by 07:33.769 --> 07:35.824 my time in the military . And when I 07:35.824 --> 07:37.936 started as a police officer , I could 07:37.936 --> 07:40.158 have not been more ready . I was highly 07:40.158 --> 07:42.324 trained at Fort Bragg , been in combat 07:42.324 --> 07:44.547 multiple times . But most importantly , 07:44.547 --> 07:46.602 my combat had drawn me closer to God 07:46.602 --> 07:49.239 and my faith had grown more than most 07:49.250 --> 07:51.799 in the military before the military . I 07:51.809 --> 07:54.031 had grown up in a rough neighborhood in 07:54.031 --> 07:56.087 a violent dysfunctional home . And I 07:56.087 --> 07:58.087 wasn't shocked by what I saw when I 07:58.087 --> 08:00.420 went in those homes as a police officer , 08:00.420 --> 08:02.198 nor what I saw on the streets . 08:04.459 --> 08:07.109 But as that trauma and the carnage of 08:07.119 --> 08:10.950 what you see every day , I began to 08:10.959 --> 08:14.570 get bitter and angry being in combat , 08:14.579 --> 08:16.635 being multiple shootings as a police 08:16.635 --> 08:18.970 officer fighting with suspects . It's 08:18.980 --> 08:21.036 not the violence that I couldn't get 08:21.036 --> 08:24.149 out of my head was the death of 08:24.160 --> 08:27.420 innocence from the first dead kid . 08:29.390 --> 08:31.880 Good people being hurt and murdered 08:32.590 --> 08:35.908 women being beat and raped , dealing 08:35.919 --> 08:38.189 with suicide on a regular basis , 08:38.408 --> 08:42.270 Children being molested all 08:42.280 --> 08:44.058 this and feeling helpless to do 08:44.058 --> 08:47.919 anything about it . I guess 08:48.150 --> 08:50.380 for a lot of you sitting here that 08:50.390 --> 08:52.612 there are things that are eating at you 08:53.059 --> 08:55.630 and you might feel helpless to change , 08:56.659 --> 08:59.229 leaving you feeling hopeless about life . 09:00.979 --> 09:04.799 So I ended up in that boat . The 09:04.809 --> 09:08.409 struggle I was having became dark as a 09:08.419 --> 09:10.641 police officer and something clicked in 09:10.641 --> 09:12.530 me in a bad way on a call . I was 09:12.530 --> 09:13.530 assigned to 09:17.309 --> 09:19.531 a little girl telling our detectives in 09:19.531 --> 09:23.400 Spanish how she was raped and molested 09:23.409 --> 09:24.409 by her uncle . 09:27.390 --> 09:30.210 And I went from struggling , bitter and 09:30.219 --> 09:32.108 angry to being filled with hate . 09:34.469 --> 09:36.691 And I took that and all the feeling and 09:36.691 --> 09:38.691 shoved them down while keeping on a 09:38.691 --> 09:41.440 mask of a Christian man , a family man , 09:41.619 --> 09:45.320 a warrior . And at the same time , I 09:45.330 --> 09:47.441 was no longer taking care of all four 09:47.441 --> 09:49.989 of those pillars physically . Yeah , I 09:50.000 --> 09:52.570 didn't turn to alcohol . Continued 09:52.580 --> 09:54.739 training , my body working out doing 09:54.750 --> 09:57.830 martial arts . I worked the busy shifts , 09:57.840 --> 09:59.729 weekend shifts . I sent myself to 09:59.729 --> 10:01.869 police tactical schools . I became a 10:01.880 --> 10:05.770 very good street cop but those 10:05.780 --> 10:07.947 other two are where I failed miserably 10:09.109 --> 10:11.729 socially . Now , I had a lot of great 10:11.739 --> 10:13.850 friends . I had friends at church . I 10:13.850 --> 10:15.795 had friends at work and I had some 10:15.795 --> 10:17.850 brothers that I trusted my life with 10:18.280 --> 10:21.729 and they trusted me . But the one thing 10:21.739 --> 10:24.940 I never had and I didn't learn until I 10:24.950 --> 10:27.210 went to Mighty Oaks . I never had a 10:27.219 --> 10:30.799 true brother and that true brother is 10:30.809 --> 10:33.369 something a little bit different . I 10:33.380 --> 10:35.436 think it was what you guys have been 10:35.436 --> 10:37.658 talking about . This wing man , right ? 10:38.500 --> 10:41.369 I never had somebody that I would reach 10:41.380 --> 10:44.440 out to when I was struggling . When I 10:44.450 --> 10:46.228 had the dark thoughts . When my 10:46.228 --> 10:49.609 marriage was struggling , I would see 10:49.619 --> 10:51.675 what I would see at work and I would 10:51.675 --> 10:54.500 just hold it in , keep that mask on , 10:54.510 --> 10:56.788 keep pushing forward , just what we do . 11:01.000 --> 11:02.440 I never had that person 11:05.109 --> 11:09.039 who would encourage me and also 11:09.049 --> 11:11.929 hold me accountable for my actions . 11:13.450 --> 11:15.570 So when I started to struggle inside 11:15.750 --> 11:18.028 with all the things I was seeing daily , 11:18.210 --> 11:20.321 my marriage was struggling to a point 11:20.321 --> 11:22.377 where I could not even stand my wife 11:22.377 --> 11:24.377 and she couldn't stand me . I never 11:24.377 --> 11:26.432 told anyone shoved it down , screwed 11:26.432 --> 11:28.960 tight . That mask I was wearing , move 11:28.969 --> 11:30.580 forward . And then finally , 11:30.580 --> 11:34.500 spiritually , I was no 11:34.510 --> 11:36.677 longer in church . I wasn't reading my 11:36.677 --> 11:39.840 Bible or in prayer . So about five 11:39.849 --> 11:42.059 years in my law enforcement career , 11:42.460 --> 11:44.640 angry , bitter , filled with hate . I 11:44.650 --> 11:47.450 came to a critical point , a fork in 11:47.460 --> 11:51.190 the road where I had to choose my 11:51.200 --> 11:53.940 choice led to actions for who I wanted 11:53.950 --> 11:55.950 to be as a man . And got to a point 11:55.950 --> 11:58.283 where I wanted to die and down the road , 11:58.283 --> 12:01.059 I would eventually lose my family . So 12:01.070 --> 12:03.403 five years in my law enforcement career , 12:03.799 --> 12:05.799 I got a call of a suspicious person 12:06.200 --> 12:08.256 rolled up to the scene , saw the guy 12:08.256 --> 12:10.367 obviously under the influence of some 12:10.367 --> 12:12.599 type of drug , looked at me and then he 12:12.609 --> 12:14.942 took off running , jumping over a fence . 12:14.942 --> 12:17.109 Me and my partner went out after him . 12:17.109 --> 12:19.109 We were jumping a bunch of fences , 12:19.109 --> 12:21.053 dark bad area of the city . People 12:21.053 --> 12:23.109 yelling dogs , barking . The part of 12:23.109 --> 12:25.387 the job that I miss I missed the chase . 12:25.919 --> 12:28.460 Finally got to one yard and he looked 12:28.469 --> 12:30.358 at this tree , ran to this tree , 12:30.358 --> 12:32.580 climbed up on top of this roof . Me and 12:32.580 --> 12:34.802 my partner went up after him , Governor 12:34.802 --> 12:36.940 Roof did our business . Adam cus 12:37.669 --> 12:40.359 partner had him and then I kind of 12:40.369 --> 12:42.369 stood up and I'm standing on top of 12:42.369 --> 12:45.080 this roof . Other officers were down 12:45.090 --> 12:47.257 looking up at me and as I was standing 12:47.257 --> 12:49.770 on this roof , I was a little bit full 12:49.780 --> 12:52.599 of myself , prideful with ego like , 12:52.609 --> 12:54.831 yeah , man , this is a police officer . 12:54.831 --> 12:57.053 I want to be these guys look up at me . 12:57.053 --> 12:59.276 I had a good reputation by that point . 12:59.276 --> 13:01.276 Been in a shooting . This is what I 13:01.276 --> 13:03.109 want . And then as I stand there 13:03.109 --> 13:05.165 feeling this way , I start feeling a 13:05.165 --> 13:07.419 little different . I start having 13:07.429 --> 13:09.830 trouble breathing short of breath , my 13:09.840 --> 13:13.080 heart starts racing . I start getting 13:13.090 --> 13:15.368 dizzy like I'm gonna fall to the point . 13:15.368 --> 13:17.479 I have to squat down on this roof and 13:17.479 --> 13:19.700 all I feel is darkness and hate and I 13:19.710 --> 13:21.988 literally felt like I was going to die . 13:21.988 --> 13:24.154 I had no idea what was happening . And 13:24.154 --> 13:26.400 as I say that I would guess everybody 13:26.409 --> 13:28.631 here has an idea that I was having some 13:28.631 --> 13:30.853 type of panic , anxiety attack . Well , 13:30.853 --> 13:33.076 back in the nineties , that wasn't even 13:33.076 --> 13:36.419 a thing . PTSD . I always like to say 13:36.429 --> 13:38.651 this when I heard that word , I thought 13:38.651 --> 13:40.596 that was some virus that post 9 11 13:40.596 --> 13:42.929 combat guys got no clue back then . 13:45.039 --> 13:47.206 But it wasn't just those five years of 13:47.206 --> 13:49.539 law enforcement that put me on my knees , 13:49.539 --> 13:51.372 a lifetime of it . And my trauma 13:51.372 --> 13:54.400 started at an early age , I suffered 13:54.409 --> 13:57.219 severe physical abuse as a kid , sexual 13:57.229 --> 13:59.929 abuse for men and women . And I grew up 13:59.940 --> 14:02.390 in a very violent home , but I was able 14:02.400 --> 14:04.456 to push through that and went to the 14:04.456 --> 14:06.700 military added on a little bit more 14:06.710 --> 14:09.789 trauma , a little more death and then 14:09.799 --> 14:13.549 law enforcement and finally my 14:13.559 --> 14:16.390 cup was full and I ended up on that 14:16.400 --> 14:19.039 roof in that state feeling like I was 14:19.049 --> 14:22.789 going to die . And I knew something was 14:22.799 --> 14:25.010 wrong with me . I knew I needed to get 14:25.020 --> 14:28.820 up and talk to somebody . I 14:28.830 --> 14:30.941 had people I got to talk to . I had a 14:30.941 --> 14:33.163 great sergeant . I had great friends at 14:33.163 --> 14:35.669 work . I had a pastor . I had Christian 14:35.679 --> 14:38.789 friends , but I didn't do that . Now . 14:38.799 --> 14:42.039 Why ? Because I couldn't bring myself 14:42.330 --> 14:44.750 to what I thought and believed that 14:44.760 --> 14:46.880 that was a lie . It's a lie to think 14:46.890 --> 14:49.112 that would be weak and there's no way I 14:49.112 --> 14:51.168 could be weak because I'm not weak . 14:51.168 --> 14:53.168 I'm a warrior . These are , this is 14:53.168 --> 14:55.334 just what we do . We see death as what 14:55.334 --> 14:57.940 we do . And that's a lie . A lie to 14:57.950 --> 15:01.309 think being a man doesn't struggle , 15:01.679 --> 15:05.299 things don't bother you . So I just 15:05.309 --> 15:08.500 shoved it down , tighten down that mass 15:08.510 --> 15:12.400 and push forward got really bad . My 15:12.409 --> 15:14.576 sergeant put me on day watch , which I 15:14.576 --> 15:16.798 hate day watch . Put me in this part of 15:16.798 --> 15:18.979 our city . That was nice . I'm like , 15:18.989 --> 15:21.650 I'll show you I found somebody to hunt 15:21.659 --> 15:23.603 and I found this person in vehicle 15:23.603 --> 15:25.659 pursuit , foot pursuit shooting . So 15:25.659 --> 15:27.826 after that second shooting , I came to 15:27.826 --> 15:29.937 this point in my life . Man . My life 15:29.937 --> 15:32.109 sucks . And I don't want to be happy . 15:32.119 --> 15:34.710 I just want to be happy , feel 15:34.719 --> 15:36.775 something good because everything is 15:36.775 --> 15:39.052 bad and I'm going to die at some point . 15:39.052 --> 15:41.275 So I might as well be happy . It wasn't 15:41.275 --> 15:43.497 purpose or peace or the man I wanted to 15:43.497 --> 15:45.969 be . I just wanted to be happy shortly 15:45.979 --> 15:48.320 after that stepped outside , my wife 15:48.330 --> 15:50.330 and our relationship and I just got 15:50.330 --> 15:52.497 very , very dark with some bad years . 15:53.570 --> 15:55.737 I headed to work . I , I had to get my 15:55.737 --> 15:57.570 hands on somebody working in Los 15:57.570 --> 15:59.737 Angeles as a police officer . It's not 15:59.737 --> 16:01.959 very hard when I wasn't at work . I had 16:01.959 --> 16:04.320 to keep myself busy . Coach my boys 16:04.330 --> 16:06.140 work out do martial arts , surf 16:06.239 --> 16:09.260 constantly busy because when I stopped 16:10.830 --> 16:13.880 and thought and felt the pain inside , 16:14.580 --> 16:16.358 it was usually holding my glock 16:17.429 --> 16:19.540 thinking this is the only way to stop 16:19.540 --> 16:23.200 this pain . I couldn't do that . I 16:23.210 --> 16:25.432 could go out that way . I had to go out 16:25.432 --> 16:27.654 a hero to my boys . I'm not going to go 16:27.654 --> 16:29.543 out a coward . So I got extremely 16:29.543 --> 16:31.654 reckless at work running as fast as I 16:31.654 --> 16:33.654 could to every hot call walking the 16:33.654 --> 16:35.821 streets in the middle of the night . I 16:35.821 --> 16:38.043 mean , you name it . There's a lot more 16:38.080 --> 16:40.247 because I wanted to die , but I wanted 16:40.247 --> 16:43.609 to die a hero . Then on April 4th , 16:43.619 --> 16:46.510 2003 entered the house , me and my 16:46.520 --> 16:48.687 partner , the guy pulled the gun off , 16:48.687 --> 16:50.853 we shot him multiple times . And after 16:50.853 --> 16:52.909 walking outside the house and taking 16:52.909 --> 16:52.880 somebody's life , something was 16:52.890 --> 16:56.150 different . What was different is there 16:56.159 --> 16:58.215 was nothing inside me . There was no 16:58.215 --> 17:00.469 adrenaline like that post action jump 17:00.479 --> 17:02.812 out of a plane . There was none of that . 17:02.840 --> 17:06.348 I just felt dead . And for the first 17:06.359 --> 17:08.581 time in my life , I started questioning 17:08.581 --> 17:10.692 my mental health and I knew something 17:10.692 --> 17:13.310 was wrong . But again , there's no way 17:13.319 --> 17:15.263 I'm going to say that and shooting 17:15.263 --> 17:17.920 people . That's just what you do saw 17:17.930 --> 17:19.986 the psychologist as we have to see . 17:19.986 --> 17:21.986 The psychologist asked me how I was 17:21.986 --> 17:24.152 doing . I said , great , clean shoot , 17:24.152 --> 17:26.319 which it was , I'm ready to go back to 17:26.319 --> 17:28.430 work . And he said , no , I think I'm 17:28.430 --> 17:30.708 gonna give you a little bit of a break . 17:30.708 --> 17:30.599 You need to decompress a little bit . 17:30.609 --> 17:32.387 I'm like , all right . I take a 17:32.387 --> 17:34.553 vacation , tax free money . Cool . And 17:34.553 --> 17:36.949 during that time , I came to a moment 17:36.959 --> 17:39.550 of clarity when I looked in the mirror 17:39.560 --> 17:41.671 and had no idea who that person was . 17:41.671 --> 17:44.199 That was looking back at me . How do I 17:44.209 --> 17:47.400 become this man ? So I made a 17:47.410 --> 17:50.640 decision , I'm going to stop living 17:50.650 --> 17:52.817 that way and I'm going to live another 17:52.817 --> 17:55.094 way , the way that was intended for me . 17:55.094 --> 17:57.329 So I did that got back in church . So I 17:57.339 --> 17:59.561 focus on my relationship with my wife , 17:59.790 --> 18:01.957 my kids , I started coaching . I ended 18:01.957 --> 18:03.734 up retiring . I coached , I was 18:03.734 --> 18:05.957 coaching at a pretty high level . I was 18:05.957 --> 18:08.123 a shrink coach and a football coach at 18:08.123 --> 18:09.790 a big high school in southern 18:09.790 --> 18:11.734 California opened up a performance 18:11.734 --> 18:13.901 facility making good money . Me and my 18:13.901 --> 18:15.901 wife , we lived in a big house in a 18:15.901 --> 18:17.957 gated community down in South Orange 18:17.957 --> 18:19.846 County man . My life consisted of 18:19.846 --> 18:21.901 coaching surfing martial arts , just 18:21.901 --> 18:23.790 watching my boys who were amazing 18:23.790 --> 18:26.349 football players had the college man . 18:26.359 --> 18:28.692 It was great . I had a lot of happiness . 18:30.719 --> 18:33.489 But the mistake I made when I retired 18:33.689 --> 18:35.829 was I made a lot of behavior changes 18:36.530 --> 18:38.641 and I'm going to tell you right now , 18:38.641 --> 18:40.752 behavior changes don't work because I 18:40.752 --> 18:42.863 made no heart change . A heart change 18:42.863 --> 18:44.974 was to start with me first asking God 18:44.974 --> 18:46.974 for forgiveness , talk to my wife , 18:46.974 --> 18:49.780 being honest with her , but that didn't 18:49.790 --> 18:52.750 happen . So eventually that bitterness 18:52.760 --> 18:55.150 and anger comes back , end up in the 18:55.160 --> 18:57.500 same place with other women end up in 18:57.510 --> 19:00.349 divorce . Then about a month or two 19:00.359 --> 19:02.526 later after the divorce , I thought it 19:02.526 --> 19:04.637 was a good idea with the first girl I 19:04.637 --> 19:06.803 met to get married again that lasted a 19:06.803 --> 19:09.026 couple of months next few years or some 19:09.026 --> 19:11.260 chaotic years making some mistakes 19:11.790 --> 19:13.930 moving from house to house to a point 19:13.939 --> 19:15.772 where I ended up with just about 19:15.772 --> 19:18.569 everything lost financially , renting a 19:18.579 --> 19:20.412 room from a kid I had coached in 19:20.412 --> 19:23.839 football years before my boy is not 19:23.849 --> 19:26.890 talking to me barely enough money to 19:26.900 --> 19:30.719 put gas in my car . And one 19:30.729 --> 19:32.451 day I was sitting on this hill 19:33.430 --> 19:35.486 beautiful spot . And I looked to the 19:35.486 --> 19:37.652 west , I could see the ocean looked to 19:37.652 --> 19:39.819 the east . It was a city that I raised 19:39.819 --> 19:41.930 my boys in . I started thinking about 19:41.930 --> 19:43.986 those times when they were young and 19:43.986 --> 19:46.208 life was good and how I missed it . And 19:46.208 --> 19:48.319 then I started thinking about my life 19:48.319 --> 19:50.486 and what I've been through and all the 19:50.486 --> 19:50.430 abuse and I went through all this stuff 19:50.439 --> 19:52.495 and I pushed through and I've got in 19:52.495 --> 19:54.383 the military and then I served my 19:54.383 --> 19:56.606 country fought in combat multiple times 19:56.606 --> 19:58.661 and I was a police officer and I did 19:58.661 --> 20:00.828 all these things and I'm in a state of 20:00.828 --> 20:02.995 mind almost getting angry like how did 20:02.995 --> 20:05.217 I get here ? I don't deserve this . And 20:05.217 --> 20:09.109 then this word came into my head and 20:09.119 --> 20:11.489 it's a word that none of us would like 20:11.500 --> 20:14.829 to be described as and as victim . I 20:14.839 --> 20:17.006 had made myself a victim on the hill . 20:17.006 --> 20:19.609 An absolutely hard life . Kids 20:19.619 --> 20:21.675 shouldn't be physically and sexually 20:21.675 --> 20:23.786 abused , being in combat , seeing the 20:23.786 --> 20:26.008 amount of death . You see seeing what I 20:26.008 --> 20:25.979 saw as a police . They're all hard 20:25.989 --> 20:28.390 things , they're all tough things . And 20:28.400 --> 20:30.989 I use those for excuses and rationale 20:31.000 --> 20:32.979 for my actions . When there was no 20:32.989 --> 20:35.156 excuse . I knew the truth . I knew who 20:35.156 --> 20:37.209 I wanted to be , but I chose 20:37.219 --> 20:40.890 differently . So sitting on that 20:40.900 --> 20:43.750 hill , I did something that I had never 20:43.760 --> 20:46.099 done in my life that I looked in the 20:46.109 --> 20:48.331 mirror and I took accountability for my 20:48.331 --> 20:50.349 actions and I didn't blame it on my 20:50.359 --> 20:53.310 life . The things I went through my 20:53.319 --> 20:55.680 first wife , anything , I took 100% 20:55.689 --> 20:58.520 accountability . And on that day , 44 20:58.530 --> 21:02.160 years sitting on that hill was the day 21:02.170 --> 21:04.281 I became a man . And I say that's one 21:04.281 --> 21:06.392 of the things that we tell the people 21:06.392 --> 21:08.503 on my , when did you become a man ? I 21:08.503 --> 21:10.614 got my license . I went to combat . I 21:10.614 --> 21:12.726 did this . That's what I did . That's 21:12.726 --> 21:14.614 when I became a man . When I took 21:14.614 --> 21:16.670 accountability for my life , made my 21:16.670 --> 21:15.689 commitment to God that I'm going to 21:15.699 --> 21:17.755 push forward . I'm going to live for 21:17.755 --> 21:19.921 you and not for myself . And it wasn't 21:19.921 --> 21:22.032 without struggles , it wasn't without 21:22.032 --> 21:25.400 mistakes or speed bumps , but I just 21:25.410 --> 21:29.089 put my head down , kept stepping and 21:29.099 --> 21:32.329 kept my eyes up . And eventually , 21:33.420 --> 21:34.989 I mean , my wife 21:37.719 --> 21:40.010 and life is good . My relationship with 21:40.020 --> 21:42.989 God is good and my kids are good . I'm 21:43.000 --> 21:45.619 living that life that I was created to 21:45.630 --> 21:49.619 be . And then 21:49.630 --> 21:52.910 I joined a Jujitsu academy 21:54.089 --> 21:56.099 and I met Chad Esha , our founder , 21:57.020 --> 21:58.853 cool guy . I knew he'd be in the 21:58.853 --> 22:02.739 military was a fighter . Great , 22:02.750 --> 22:05.199 didn't know much about him . And then 22:05.209 --> 22:07.376 my wife tells me , hey , did you watch 22:07.376 --> 22:09.542 Professor Chad's ? I am second video . 22:09.542 --> 22:11.765 I'm like , no , she's like , watch it . 22:11.765 --> 22:13.487 She tells me a couple of times 22:13.487 --> 22:12.790 throughout the day and finally she's 22:12.800 --> 22:14.800 like , you need to watch this . I'm 22:14.800 --> 22:16.856 like , ok , so I started watching it 22:16.856 --> 22:19.630 and it starts with a radio call he was 22:19.640 --> 22:22.079 on as a police officer . I didn't know 22:22.089 --> 22:24.033 he was a police officer . It was a 22:24.033 --> 22:26.200 shooting he was involved in . And that 22:26.200 --> 22:28.311 kind of goes through his life and his 22:28.311 --> 22:30.311 time in the military and his post , 22:30.311 --> 22:32.533 military and martial arts and all these 22:32.533 --> 22:34.700 things that we have a lot of things in 22:34.700 --> 22:36.969 common with . I'm sitting there 22:36.979 --> 22:39.640 listening to this with tears in my eyes . 22:39.959 --> 22:42.199 That's not what blew me away 22:43.760 --> 22:45.927 because at that point in my life being 22:45.927 --> 22:47.982 in that good place , I never thought 22:47.982 --> 22:49.982 anybody could understand me and the 22:49.982 --> 22:51.982 mistakes I made and the places I've 22:51.982 --> 22:54.750 been the inside and I was ok with it . 22:55.229 --> 22:57.340 But listening to that video , knowing 22:57.340 --> 22:59.340 that there is one man in this world 22:59.390 --> 23:02.459 that understands me , that weight that 23:02.469 --> 23:04.640 was lifted off and not feeling alone , 23:06.250 --> 23:09.300 man undescribable . Next day , I saw 23:09.310 --> 23:11.532 him at the Jujitsu academy and I ran up 23:11.532 --> 23:13.699 to him and I'm talking to him and then 23:13.699 --> 23:15.921 he tells me to go to this program . I'm 23:15.921 --> 23:17.754 like , program , I don't need no 23:17.754 --> 23:19.866 program . I'm good , you know , but I 23:19.866 --> 23:22.088 ended up going and I'm so thankful that 23:22.088 --> 23:24.366 I did because when I'm at this program , 23:24.366 --> 23:24.069 I'm hearing these other team leaders 23:24.079 --> 23:25.912 speak about their lives and what 23:25.912 --> 23:28.839 they've been through time in and time . 23:28.849 --> 23:31.016 Like , I'm just hearing all these guys 23:31.016 --> 23:33.182 talk and I am so blown away because it 23:33.182 --> 23:35.349 wasn't just chad , it was every single 23:35.349 --> 23:37.349 one of them . Seven years of Mighty 23:37.349 --> 23:39.405 Oaks . I've taught at probably 70 80 23:39.405 --> 23:41.738 programs . Hundreds and hundreds of men , 23:41.738 --> 23:43.905 I've listened to their stories and I'm 23:43.905 --> 23:45.905 going to tell you this , like every 23:45.905 --> 23:47.793 single one of them they've shared 23:47.793 --> 23:49.960 honestly and transparently about their 23:49.960 --> 23:49.510 lives and their struggles I've 23:49.520 --> 23:51.742 connected with in some ways because the 23:51.742 --> 23:53.798 truth is what connects us all is not 23:53.798 --> 23:55.520 what we've done . It's not our 23:55.520 --> 23:57.409 circumstances . It's not even the 23:57.409 --> 23:59.520 coping mechanism we might use whether 23:59.520 --> 24:01.353 it's alcohol or or infidelity or 24:01.353 --> 24:03.187 whatever it is . That's not what 24:03.187 --> 24:03.040 connects us all . What connects us all 24:03.050 --> 24:05.217 is what goes on inside us . Because if 24:05.217 --> 24:07.439 you live in this world , you experience 24:07.439 --> 24:09.772 trauma . It's not just for the military . 24:09.772 --> 24:08.939 It's not just for the first responder 24:08.949 --> 24:11.540 community . It's for everybody and 24:11.550 --> 24:13.939 those effects and how we feel inside is 24:13.949 --> 24:17.660 the same for all of us . Seven years 24:17.670 --> 24:21.239 old Mighty Oaks . Then 24:25.880 --> 24:28.670 what I've seen with the success . 24:29.650 --> 24:33.599 It's amazing . It's 24:33.609 --> 24:37.569 amazing . And 24:37.579 --> 24:39.690 I've learned a lot of my time and one 24:39.690 --> 24:42.219 of the things and one of the truths 24:43.920 --> 24:46.142 is that no matter where you are today . 24:47.160 --> 24:50.229 How dark it is . What you have been 24:50.239 --> 24:54.060 through . There is hope . Truth is 24:54.839 --> 24:56.950 those things that have brought you to 24:56.950 --> 24:59.006 this dark place that you might be in 24:59.006 --> 25:02.920 right now and hopeless can be 25:02.930 --> 25:05.959 the very things that drive you forward 25:05.969 --> 25:09.530 to be a better man or woman . Today . I 25:09.540 --> 25:11.910 walk in freedom . I walk in joy . And 25:11.920 --> 25:14.050 it's not because my life is perfect 25:14.060 --> 25:17.089 without struggles . It's because I 25:17.099 --> 25:19.760 always have the end in sight . My 25:19.770 --> 25:23.530 actions usually reflect who I want to 25:23.540 --> 25:25.719 be , who God created me to be . And I 25:25.729 --> 25:28.239 walk in truth and not my feelings . And 25:28.250 --> 25:30.361 one thing I've learned in my 54 years 25:30.361 --> 25:33.079 of life , happiness is cool . It's cool 25:33.089 --> 25:36.920 to do fun things , joy and peace 25:37.000 --> 25:39.170 are everlasting and peace will only 25:39.180 --> 25:41.236 come through walking and purpose and 25:41.236 --> 25:43.569 living a life that was intended for you . 25:43.959 --> 25:46.680 So I want to challenge all you guys and 25:46.689 --> 25:49.329 ladies right now with four things . 25:50.810 --> 25:53.130 Number one , which of those four 25:53.140 --> 25:55.099 pillars are you not solid in 25:57.770 --> 25:59.770 because without those four , you're 25:59.770 --> 26:03.729 going to be in trouble . One , 26:04.260 --> 26:06.569 you're going to be a little shaky . You 26:06.579 --> 26:09.069 got two , you're probably going to fall . 26:11.150 --> 26:13.329 So number two , how is that pill are 26:13.339 --> 26:15.561 pillars affecting you and your family ? 26:18.010 --> 26:19.954 Number three , do you want to be a 26:19.954 --> 26:23.550 better man or woman or have you 26:23.560 --> 26:26.199 accepted the dark place you might be in 26:26.209 --> 26:30.099 right now ? And then finally , 26:30.109 --> 26:32.910 number four , how important is it to 26:32.920 --> 26:36.609 you ? And when I look 26:36.619 --> 26:38.709 back on my life in those critical 26:38.719 --> 26:41.380 moments , decisions , forks in the road 26:41.469 --> 26:44.810 on that roof . If I knew then 26:45.359 --> 26:49.260 what I know now I would have fought 26:49.270 --> 26:52.010 like my life depended on it . And more 26:52.020 --> 26:55.229 so because my families did today , I 26:55.239 --> 26:57.829 live with the end in mind , not what I 26:57.839 --> 27:00.510 see in front of me on my face or live 27:00.520 --> 27:02.900 by the feelings I have , but I walk in 27:02.910 --> 27:06.079 truth , not always perfect , but my 27:06.089 --> 27:08.300 actions reflect who I want to be . Do 27:08.310 --> 27:10.900 your actions reflect who you want to be . 27:12.160 --> 27:14.300 And this is truth . Our past does not 27:14.310 --> 27:16.421 have to dictate our future . We could 27:16.421 --> 27:18.643 put a period and close that chapter and 27:18.643 --> 27:20.839 start a new one today . My pastor once 27:20.849 --> 27:22.738 told me this , I was all fired up 27:22.738 --> 27:25.071 talking to him . He was like John relax . 27:25.071 --> 27:27.182 You don't have to live in your past . 27:27.182 --> 27:29.405 Just reflect on it for wisdom on how to 27:29.405 --> 27:32.150 live today . And we can take that a 27:32.160 --> 27:34.500 step further because of our past again . 27:34.510 --> 27:37.109 We can appreciate life so much more 27:37.290 --> 27:40.400 love , more be kinder people because of 27:40.410 --> 27:42.521 what we have seen and lived through . 27:43.589 --> 27:45.900 And this is truth for me today . All 27:45.910 --> 27:49.150 those things that I've seen and I've 27:49.160 --> 27:52.099 shared wave tops of my life and the 27:52.109 --> 27:54.165 things I've seen and had to endure . 27:54.449 --> 27:56.880 But those things make me appreciate 27:56.890 --> 27:59.810 life so much more , appreciate my wife , 27:59.819 --> 28:01.819 so much more my kids , so much more 28:01.829 --> 28:04.209 being around here getting to talk to 28:04.219 --> 28:05.469 you so much more . 28:09.520 --> 28:12.530 I used to wonder you get caught up in 28:12.540 --> 28:14.869 the why , why me , why do these things 28:14.880 --> 28:18.189 happen ? I don't do that anymore today 28:18.319 --> 28:21.000 because of why is it be used to help 28:21.010 --> 28:22.910 other people to give them hope ? 28:23.099 --> 28:25.155 Because there is so much waiting for 28:25.155 --> 28:27.377 you in this life today . I get to speak 28:27.377 --> 28:29.599 to like 2000 of you guys which blows my 28:29.599 --> 28:31.599 mind from the places I was to being 28:31.599 --> 28:33.877 here and being able to share something . 28:33.877 --> 28:36.530 And if I help one person , one person 28:36.579 --> 28:39.280 change their course to one of death to 28:39.290 --> 28:41.640 one of life from hopeless to hope 28:41.890 --> 28:43.834 everything in my life I've had and 28:43.834 --> 28:46.001 endure would be worth it . And I don't 28:46.001 --> 28:48.223 say that because it sounds good because 28:48.223 --> 28:51.810 it's true . My clothing encouragement 28:52.479 --> 28:55.939 to you all . Number one , look honestly 28:55.949 --> 28:58.099 in the mirror and take accountability 28:58.709 --> 29:01.579 for your wrong actions and do not do 29:01.589 --> 29:03.700 not line up with who you want to be . 29:05.550 --> 29:07.661 Forgive this . And I could talk about 29:07.661 --> 29:09.828 this for a long time , but I just want 29:09.828 --> 29:11.828 to touch on this because this is so 29:11.828 --> 29:13.994 important for moving forward . There's 29:13.994 --> 29:16.106 nothing can be harder but nothing can 29:16.106 --> 29:17.828 be more freeing forgiving . My 29:17.828 --> 29:20.510 childhood abusers was the hardest thing 29:22.239 --> 29:25.410 I ever did , but it was the most 29:25.420 --> 29:27.310 freeing decision I ever made . 29:29.439 --> 29:31.550 Forgiveness is not for the people who 29:31.550 --> 29:33.910 hurt us , it's for you so you can move 29:33.920 --> 29:37.209 forward . Number three purpose , 29:38.229 --> 29:41.349 we all want and we need purpose . But 29:41.359 --> 29:43.692 you cannot find that living in the past , 29:44.859 --> 29:47.780 we can use the past for our purpose . 29:48.010 --> 29:50.369 And how do we do that ? For me ? It's 29:50.380 --> 29:52.547 easy . I just go to Romans 8 28 in the 29:52.547 --> 29:55.410 Bible which says , and we know all 29:55.420 --> 29:57.810 things work together for good to those 29:57.819 --> 30:00.640 who love God . So we can use our wisdom 30:01.410 --> 30:04.369 and our past and how we live today to 30:04.380 --> 30:06.500 help others that are in dark places . 30:10.920 --> 30:14.510 Nothing , nothing can give you more 30:14.520 --> 30:16.849 peace and purpose than when you help 30:16.859 --> 30:19.089 another brother or sister out of the 30:19.099 --> 30:21.210 dark places they find themselves in . 30:23.839 --> 30:26.939 Thank you for letting me be here . It 30:26.949 --> 30:29.005 was truly an honor . Thank you , sir 30:29.005 --> 30:31.469 for having me . Me and my wife are 30:31.479 --> 30:33.646 going to be here later . My wife is an 30:33.646 --> 30:35.701 amazing person with an amazing story 30:35.701 --> 30:37.701 who's also a veteran that works for 30:37.701 --> 30:39.812 Mighty Oaks . Started her life in the 30:39.812 --> 30:42.035 Philippines and dealt with all kinds of 30:42.035 --> 30:44.090 trauma throughout her life . And she 30:44.090 --> 30:46.201 lives today as a woman of God and the 30:46.201 --> 30:48.312 best wife I could ask for . So please 30:48.312 --> 30:50.479 hit us up about Mighty Oaks , anything 30:50.479 --> 30:52.590 personally . And again , it was truly 30:52.590 --> 30:54.812 an honor to be here , sir . Thank you . 31:03.589 --> 31:05.839 We'll see you guys this afternoon . So .